The Child Containing Devil Wagons of Satan

The other day I went to Lakeside shopping center and came face to face with what can only be described as a public menace; the stupid push car things people wheel their kids around in. I simply cannot fathom why anyone would believe that they are a sensible idea. They get in the way, they hit other people and they make you look like a complete tool. 

 This detestation is based on the fact that I hate it when people are really ignorant of those around them. For example, if you’re buying your weekly shop, and all I have a single packet of condoms, let me past you so I can get out the way. This is surely better than us both pretending that we never made awkward eye contact rather than making me wait for Patricia to process your shop at a rate slower than 90s dialup internet. 

 I completely accept that people need to get their kids around large places. Lakeside is absolutely huge and you can’t expect 6-year-old legs to walk that far in one go, that’s fair enough. However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect sensible parenting. If your child is tired, stop for a quick break, pick them up for  minutes, and give them a chocolate bar. What you shuldn’t be doing is inconveniencing everyone else around you because you’re too lazy or belligerent as a parent to ensure your child has enough energy

 Now, as ridiculous as they are, I can see why the child itself would love it. When I was 6 I would’ve loved driving what I presumed to be a racecar around a shop. I also would’ve loved eating mud pies and pelting my little brother with go

Look at it, its just stupid. 

lf balls, but funnily enough my parents saw fit to prevent either of these from happening. This was not because they wanted me to be unhappy, but because they realized that it was in neither my, nor the people around us’, best interests. All I ask is that parents apply this logic in public with these stupid cars. Should be easy right? Wrong.  

 In the bits between the shops (what is this called?! corridor? hall?) it’s annoying enough trying to avoid the cars. It makes me feel like I’m playing Donkey Kong, jumping over barrels and all that. Not content with this, the offenders then take their stupid wagons into shops. It’s here that they commit their worst crimes. They whack into my ankles, their children pull things off of rails and overall they generally f**k up the place. The worst bit is when they get in my way, scrape my ankles and then have the audacity to moan at me for it! They’re the ones wheeling around a twat-mobile in a confined space. It should be them apologizing to me for removing 3 layers of skin from my achilles! 

 To combat this menace I propose two courses of action. If your child can’t be controlled in a shop then either A) instill some discipline into them or B) don’t bring them out in the first place! You’re making everyone else’s life worse because you can’t deal with your child, if they need wheeling around then use a small pushchair like regular people. As a parent you should be trying to ensure your child is as small an inconvenience to others as possible, not making it worse. 

 The basic crux of my argument is that these stupid cars are for parents who are incompetent at controlling their children and are damn right ignorant of other people. Of course I accept that sometimes kids mess up shops and are annoying, I get that, I really do. But please, you should be aiming to inconvenience other people as little as possible, not ramming them with something that looks like it should contain Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua. Either get rid the car, or get rid of your child. Simple choice.


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